Hello There : Depression and Absence

Posted 04/18/2017 by Ashley in Discussion / 1 Comment

Hello There : Depression & Absence

We can make this awkward

I’m sure you remember back at the new year I said I was essentially retiring from the blogging world. True, I never said in so many words, but it was pretty much implied. I just was so tired with the politics of the book world and not feeling like I was doing anything to add to the positivity of the community. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure much has really changed in regards to the politics, and if anything, it seems very much worse. But as I live day after day I feel this draw to come back into the fold.

But let’s not make it that awkward

I’ve been going through a lot lately. In the past I’ve talked about my own mental health. Since August my mental health hasn’t been the greatest. Being bipolar is exhausting. While I get manic from time to time, it’s hypomanic. Essentially I get periods where I don’t sleep a lot, I have little to no concentration, and if I do, I focus all of it on one thing, becoming obsessive. It’s not a full-blown mania where I just don’t care about the consequences of anything and just a lot less irritable too. Not to say I don’t get irritable, but it’s not at the same level.

But yeah, since August I’ve been more depressed than anything else. I’m bipolar II which generally means I experience a lot more depression than mania or even an equal-ish amount. That is my normal. It may not be like that for everyone, but like I said, my normal. I can’t pinpoint what exactly started my latest bout of depression but it definitely got worse after the November election. I don’t think we need to go into why.

We need to talk about Ashley

Let’s go on record and say depression sucks. Seriously, no doubts about it. I’ve actually been battling depression for almost as long I can remember. Seriously. Even as a child I can remember just being depressed but not really knowing what the feeling was because it wasn’t something that a nine year old really dwelled on and talked about. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I was finally diagnosed.

My bouts of depression hurt. They’re tiring. They are just something I wish I didn’t have to live through. No, I’m not suicidal so let’s not think that last statement leads to anything more than I wish I didn’t have mental illness. I wouldn’t wish this one my worse enemy. It’s all-consuming and takes over your life. Even if you do your best to manage it and make everything seem like it’s okay. You always have to be on and it’s just tiring, like I said before.

My blogging has always been affected by my mental illness. I’d read so many books and review, but there wasn’t much substance to anything. But on the flip side, I wouldn’t review anything and that’s not good as well. I could never find a middle ground and that would make my blogging worse. I would just shut down and go weeks or even months without wanting to read or write anything. For the most part, this is why I said I was leaving. I couldn’t find a middle ground.

But something has changed

What is it that changed? I can’t quite place my finger on it, but there’s something inside of me pushing me to want to review again. Pushing me to want to share again. I’ve become inspired in a lot of ways by my friends and those I’ve seen flourish over the years in the blogging world.

Reading has always been a large part of my world and a large part of my identity. It’s something that a lot of people associate with me and I want to get that part of myself back. I’ve felt like I’ve lost it over the last months even going as far back as a year or two. I want to get back to the basics. I want to be able to share my love of reading and the books that I read- good or bad.

I don’t want to make any promises about anything because I don’t want to let myself down. I’m definitely going to try and get something up a few times a month, but I’m not going to let it be a requirement. I’m not going to request all the books and I’m not going to do all the tours. It’s too much pressure and I don’t need that. I just want to get to what the basics of blogging and reviewing is about- sharing. I’ll probably add a bit more about my personal life as well. I don’t see how I can’t anymore. Just little updates here and there.

I’m vowing myself to get back into this community but I’m doing it on my terms, something I’ve never really done before.


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